1. Tell us a bit about yourself
Old Spice is a young man that masquerades in a middle aged man’s body. He moonlights as a commercial lawyer but his primary occupation is riding around looking for cash to stuff in his panniers. Old Spice is married to Mrs Spice – in Old Spice’s mind, she is a middle aged woman that masquerades in a young woman’s body. Old and Mrs Spice have three Young Spices, each with adult entitlements but masquerading in children’s bodies.
2. What got you into cycling?
Necessity, Narcissism, Novelty.
Necessity: There was no public transport in the old days when Old Spice was a boy, in semi-rural Sydney, and as one of 5 children, car transport was at a premium. A Speedwell 28″ with 3 speed Sturmey Archer hub got Old Spice to school, sport, music, and away from his siblings. An old dragster converted to a BMX bike got him around the state forest next door. When Old Spice left school, he lashed out and spent $105 on a new bright red Cyclops 10 speed racer. With decals removed, the Cyclops provided stylist transport for Old Spice to Sydney Uni, not to mention for the thief that stole the Cyclops from outside Fisher Library.
Narcissism: When Old and Mrs Spice were living in Chatswood, he decided to ride to work in the CBD, to get some much needed exercise. Old Spice will never forget that first day. On the homeward journey, Old Spice stopped on the Pacific Highway at Chatswood, to permit two young ladies to cross. It was a much needed respite for Old Spice, in the prime of his youth (his mid-thirties) having just ridden the best part of 15 kilometres. As he stood there, flushed, sweating, puffing, one of the lovely ladies muttered, sotto voce: “Hubba-bubba”. Irony being wasted on the narcissistic in him, Old Spice sprinted the last few metres home, chest out, bursting with pride to greet Mrs Spice: “Ho hooo, sweetheart, guess what just happened.”
Novelty: Old Spice’s daily commute was inspired by a “road to Damascus” conversion one summer morning. “The Barry” (the train) lost power and ground to a halt between Artarmon and St Leonards. Old Spice sat in stifling silence. Before him sat row upon row of silent,
immovable commuters, preserved like terracotta warriors. Time stopped. Then, from the corner of his own, dull and glazed eye, Old Spice caught a flicker of movement. Outside the train, a solitary cyclist rattled along, legs spinning, not some archaeological fixture, but a living human, alive and breathing. Old Spice resolved to forswear life as a terracotta commuter, and to commit to the fresh air and freedom of new routes daily through back streets and parks.
3. How did you come to join the Easy Riders?
With many routes under the belt but with an open mind to going the same way as everyone else.
4. Tell us about your bikes.
Merida Cyclocross with panniers and mudguards for commuting. Giant with empty water bottle for rare road trips. Learsport/Cops are Tops MTB with “Mullet” brakes for family outings. Speedwell fixie for Old Spice to imagine what he would have ridden when he was a boy.
5. If you could ride anywhere in the world, where would it be?
With Mrs Spice, anywhere. Apart from that, around any beach, bay or river where Old Spice could stop for any reason at all, have a swim, enjoy a meal of fresh seafood, listen to some music, read a little, then doze off for a bit.. and dream.
6. Tell us a riding story.
Old Spice’s riding stories are around the bicycle as transport. The rack and panniers on Old Spice’s bike have been used to transport, on various occasions: his daughter to community health, his son to school; a Sunbeam dual pump coffee machine and grinder; 14 kg of fish and prawns; a cavoodle puppy; two isa brown hens (named Julia and Nicole (Gillard and Kidman); and most recently, a blue industrial trolley. The trolley was attached to the pannier rack with an ockie strap. The journey from the CBD to Turramurra went well until OS was caught by the Easy Riders at Chatswood. A burst of speed down Archer, as OS tried to keep up with peloton, threw the trolley into a death wobble. Old Spice’s bareback riding as a lad came into its own and the bucking bronco was brought under control, for the time being.
7. Do you have any advice for the riders at the back of the ER peloton?
Stay back just long enough to work up the puff to try and get up the front. When you get to the front, wait for some young fella to blast past and do you like a dinner. Return to the back. Start again.
8. Lastly, tell us something we don’t know about you.
Old Spice plays the flute, but not as well, or as often, as he thinks he does.